I don't know how to feel.

Was awoken by a phone call this morning....bad news.

THEN - got a phone call with GOOD news.

I don't know how to feel. :/ Let me explain...

Last week, I called to get into the pain clinic - I had a great visit - he was sure he knew the problem, but didn't want to treat without an MRI. Went the next morning for the MRI, and was feeling GREAT about the costs (insurance is covering all but $200!!) and was SOOOOOO relieved that I was going to get treatment and a 'cure' for my pain!!! I might live a normal life for awhile!

Got home from the MRI and got a call about my 'female tests'. This was a 6 months follow up from an 'abnormal' pap from before. It was 'low-grade' then. It has since turned to HIGH-grade (precancerous) and I need more tests - biopsy even. The next day the pain clinic called to schedule my Steroid blocks, and I mentioned the biopsy the following week. They called me back and told me - NO TREATMENT until that is all settled, b/c IF it IS Cancer - the steroids will just make the Cancer spread and grow. SO - no pain relief. :(

This morning I woke up to a call telling me that the first tests done showed the 'high risk' strain and that is BAD news - it is most likely that I will develop Cervical Cancer if I don't do something. I have to wait until the 28th to get the biopsy. BUT - they are hopeful - I'm 34, had 'all the children I'm going to have' and getting a hysterectomy would be wise. :( Sorry folks, I just don't feel like this womb is ready....What if (GOD FORBID) something happened to Kent. Seriously - What if Jensen Ackles or *any* New Kid on the Block wants kids when we get together??? *giggle*

So - to sum up - I was excited because I was getting pain treatment. I was devestated to find out I *may* have Cancer. I was excited that my treatment was scheduled, and devastated to know they cancelled it. Devasted to hear it's the riskiest kind, and hysterectomy is an option. Excited to hear my summer school is paid for. Oh - that, yeah - after the call this morning, I get another call. Ozark Action WILL be able to pay for my summer class + books and materials. Of course this is ALL dependant upon my being able to GO to summer school.

I have a 10 page paper due Monday, and I haven't started it. I had some research materials, but I've sinced changed my topic. I do know how I want to do it, and have an outline 'in my head'. I do have ZERO desire to get started.

The porch was power-washed last weekend, and the 'stuff' that goes on the porch is in our front yard - we look like Sanford and Son (more so than usual) and I really need to get it painted. Krysteena is at state competition for FFA, and she wanted to help, so I don't want to start on it. I sorted through all the paperwork in this house last night, to put in the filing cabinet, and it is in piles all over my living room. Again, ZERO desire to put it away. Sanford and Son IN the house today.

SO....I don't know how to feel. I look around and see my friends with bigger problesm, and I feel like a total ass for worrying about mine. And then I feel horrible for being excited about my class this summer being paid for - when other people do not have the money. Happy, sad, worried, relieved, stressed, devastated, etc. What to feel? The scary thing is this: I just want to sit and cry. I don't think I'll fall into a deep depression *crosses fingers*, but I just want to cry today. I think I may.

I'll try to write a 'happier' post later. I just can't today.

Be safe, and carry on!

~ Misty

Things that annoy the CARP out of me...

1. People who don't use their turn signals. SERIOUSLY - braking abrubtly and then looking at me like I'M the one crazy.....puhleeeaze.

2. There are these little mothy-mosquitoey-knatey things that keep landing on my gel screen....when I squish them - yucky black goo....ANNOYS THE CARP out of me!

3. Boys. Stupid boys, with their stupid boy penises. If you don't realize you're one of them - look down. Penis? Then, yes. I'm talking about YOU. 'nuff said.

4. People who talk too much and loud and expect everyone to agree - while in class. Seriously - you're a white-trash, redneck, IDIOT. I'm not agreeing with your toothless mouth. That was harsh, but seriously - they annoy the CARP out of me!

5. Stupid, stupid phone calls that 'give you bad news' and then want to schedule a time (other than NOW) to discuss options. "Why, thank you for making me google every possible scenario and make me plan my funeral....with the HOPE that it isn't necessary".

6. People who don't understand pain. Especially when they don't understand fibromyalgia pain.....it's real. SERIOUSLY. I'll trade you MY pain for your, um...'annoyance' any day.

7. People who want to coach their own kid, but don't realize it isn't just THEIR family on the field. Seriously - keep the babies at HOME, not ON THE FIELD. I paid a LOT of money for my child to learn the game.....when he has to quit learning to avoid hurting the baby you're letting run on the field - it's frustrating. AND, you have NO CLUE how to handle 20 kids alone. Give it back to the people who KNOW the game and can handle it.

8. People who claim to be Christians and pretended to be my 'church family'. If you were a Christian - you'd act like the one who actually carried on a conversation with me - and actually CARED about me. You are not better than me.

9. Myself. I annoy the CARP out of myself. All these little things stirring in my head make me blow-up and get cranky. I hate that. I REALLY do. AND - I'm finding it hard not to be 'snippy' about things that annoy me, hence the blog.

10. MAP testing at school. Teachers stress, the kids stress, and frankly - they are USELESS.

11. Not having a 'last resort' after tonight. :/ *giggle*

12. People who don't send gifts or post things if they 'play games' on FB. No fair. We do it, you should too! Dork!

13. "The Dork". They know who they are. *giggle*

14. People who read this and thought, "I hope she doesn't stop at 13".

15. People who scrolled up to count again. *giggle*

16. Situations that remind me that I need to go to bed....and this is one of them.

Carry on and Be safe!

~ Misty

Harmony's 'make you think' Questions...

1. Tell us about the last time you really got hurt: Physically - I was hooking up my modem, and was squatted down....went to sit down and landed on the leg of my computer chair...right on my tailbone. I screamed so loud - the kids were worried. It didn't hurt again until the next day - and now I'm in constant pain, and ready to start shootin' morphine!! Emotionally - hhhmm.....let's say that it wasn't nice, but he apologized, and all is good! :)

2. What's your oldest possession? I have an embroidered picture that my great-grandma made....and a bedspread. I also have school books and dishes that belonged to Kent's great-grandparents. My oldest personal possession is the outfit that I wore home from the hospital.

3. Do you have any phobias? I have an extreme fear of grasshoppers. Seriously - those are the creepiest things on the planet.

4. What values did your parents instill in you? You work for what you need, as long and as hard as you need to. There are more....I'm sure.

5. What are your plans for Easter? I'm getting up to watch the kids get their baskets, then prolly going back to bed. Oh - we'll do an egg hunt too. Kent is gonna grill some chicken and that's pretty much it.... I don't believe in 'churches' anymore - so that's out.

6. Tell us about 3 fads from your teenage years. BIG hair, rolled jeans, and TROLLS.

8. Tell us what is the most important attribute in a lover. Everything Kent is.

9. What new piece of technology have you resisted buying and what would it take for you to change your mind? The Kindle....not sure I really 'get it', but I'd take one if it was free - just to try it and write a review! ;)

Carry on and be safe!

~ Misty