I don't know how to feel.

Was awoken by a phone call this morning....bad news.

THEN - got a phone call with GOOD news.

I don't know how to feel. :/ Let me explain...

Last week, I called to get into the pain clinic - I had a great visit - he was sure he knew the problem, but didn't want to treat without an MRI. Went the next morning for the MRI, and was feeling GREAT about the costs (insurance is covering all but $200!!) and was SOOOOOO relieved that I was going to get treatment and a 'cure' for my pain!!! I might live a normal life for awhile!

Got home from the MRI and got a call about my 'female tests'. This was a 6 months follow up from an 'abnormal' pap from before. It was 'low-grade' then. It has since turned to HIGH-grade (precancerous) and I need more tests - biopsy even. The next day the pain clinic called to schedule my Steroid blocks, and I mentioned the biopsy the following week. They called me back and told me - NO TREATMENT until that is all settled, b/c IF it IS Cancer - the steroids will just make the Cancer spread and grow. SO - no pain relief. :(

This morning I woke up to a call telling me that the first tests done showed the 'high risk' strain and that is BAD news - it is most likely that I will develop Cervical Cancer if I don't do something. I have to wait until the 28th to get the biopsy. BUT - they are hopeful - I'm 34, had 'all the children I'm going to have' and getting a hysterectomy would be wise. :( Sorry folks, I just don't feel like this womb is ready....What if (GOD FORBID) something happened to Kent. Seriously - What if Jensen Ackles or *any* New Kid on the Block wants kids when we get together??? *giggle*

So - to sum up - I was excited because I was getting pain treatment. I was devestated to find out I *may* have Cancer. I was excited that my treatment was scheduled, and devastated to know they cancelled it. Devasted to hear it's the riskiest kind, and hysterectomy is an option. Excited to hear my summer school is paid for. Oh - that, yeah - after the call this morning, I get another call. Ozark Action WILL be able to pay for my summer class + books and materials. Of course this is ALL dependant upon my being able to GO to summer school.

I have a 10 page paper due Monday, and I haven't started it. I had some research materials, but I've sinced changed my topic. I do know how I want to do it, and have an outline 'in my head'. I do have ZERO desire to get started.

The porch was power-washed last weekend, and the 'stuff' that goes on the porch is in our front yard - we look like Sanford and Son (more so than usual) and I really need to get it painted. Krysteena is at state competition for FFA, and she wanted to help, so I don't want to start on it. I sorted through all the paperwork in this house last night, to put in the filing cabinet, and it is in piles all over my living room. Again, ZERO desire to put it away. Sanford and Son IN the house today.

SO....I don't know how to feel. I look around and see my friends with bigger problesm, and I feel like a total ass for worrying about mine. And then I feel horrible for being excited about my class this summer being paid for - when other people do not have the money. Happy, sad, worried, relieved, stressed, devastated, etc. What to feel? The scary thing is this: I just want to sit and cry. I don't think I'll fall into a deep depression *crosses fingers*, but I just want to cry today. I think I may.

I'll try to write a 'happier' post later. I just can't today.

Be safe, and carry on!

~ Misty